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Decisions

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Have you ever had a big decision that wasn’t really yours?

It might greatly affect someone very close to you, or directly affect your life, yet the decision is not truly yours. You have a say in how it’ll go down, but it is not really your decision to make.

Why am I being so cryptic?

In case you don’t know, or haven’t read my about me page, my mom was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in April, with a surgery in May. She started chemotherapy in early summer, and that nightmare ended in September.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean this is over.

Before my mom’s surgery, we were told she would undoubtedly need radiation.

Fine.

But as time went on and more of her results came in, the doctors switched gears, and then she didn’t need radiation. Okay.

This seemed like good news because radiation therapy is 5 days a week, Monday through Friday, for 5-6 weeks. You are guaranteed to be tired, and other unpleasant side effects are likely. But she doesn’t need it.

What’s the problem?

I have sat with my mom, held her hand, and heard from half the doctors in the city. You know how you’re supposed to get a second opinion.

I think we’re on her ninth. Just for radiation.

Opinion #3 was the first one she didn’t like.

“You need radiation.”

“Why?!?”

“It increases survival.”

I was pretty sold after that. I want my mom to live.

And she wants to live, too.

But that’s not the only factor to her. She is a surgeon, and one of the likely side affects could prevent her form doing her job.

Radiation could negatively impact her quality of life. It is very unlikely, but she could also contract some other disease from radiation. It is likely she’ll be uncomfortable. It could even cause her some pain.

I don’t want that for her.

I do want her to live, though.

I want her to live more than anything.

However, it’s not fair to her for me to ask her to compromise her quality of life for me. For my peace of mind. For my wants.

This is not about me.

It is not fair for me to try to sway this in a way that suits me. That’s not right.

So when my mom asks my opinion, I will squeeze her hand and tell her I think she should do what she thinks is right.

I will politely give my opinion and reasoning if she asks for it,but if she doesn’t, I won’t.

It’s not my place.

So I’m sorry to drone on about my personal stuff, so to make up for it I’ve got donuts for you tomorrow.

Have you ever had a big decision that wasn’t really yours? Got any advice for me? Thanks, guys.

Enjoy!

-Kelly M.

 

 

 

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Comments

  1. My mom was diagnosed w/ stage 4 colon cancer a few years ago. It was one of the hardest times of my life, but thankfully she survived the chemo and the cancer seems to be in remission. The only advice I can you give you is to be there for her as much as you can. Ultimately the decision is going to be her's and her's alone, but it sounds like you know that already. Healing thoughts to you and your mom.
    Reply

    • I am sorry to hear about your mom, but thank goodness she's is remission. Thank you. By the way, thanks for the email about the button. I'm going to reply right now.
      Reply

  2. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My dad was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago and I know how crushing this whole experience is. Unfortunately, I have no words of wisdom to share with you. It's hard. But, I do think you're taking the right approach. At the end of the day, she has to evaluate the risks and make a decision that is best suited for her.
    Reply

  3. It's awful that you and your mom have this burden on your shoulders. There is nothing more confusing than making a hard decision. Your mom sounds like a smart woman. You should be as strong as you can for her, and support her in whatever decision she makes. There is no right or wrong decision, but whichever is decided, focus on the positive of that decision. You will be in my thoughts & prayers.
    Reply

  4. The best I can offer is to just be there for your mom. Let her know how much you love her (which I'm sure she knows) and that you will support her decision. Pray and know that God will see you both through it all.
    Reply

  5. Oh no, I'm so sorry. I couldn't begin to offer advice on something as hard as this because I don't think there's a right answer... the doctors wouldn't recommend radiation if they didn't think it was best though...? Thinking of you and your mum xx
    Reply

  6. so sorry to hear about your mom, kelly. my heart goes out to you both. it's so tough in situations like this where you wish you could wave a magic wand and 1) either make the problem disappear or 2) make your loved one do what YOU want. just keep being there for your mom, being supportive...whatever decisions she makes, you can only control your emotions and reactions, not her decisions...so hard to do!!
    Reply

  8. Sending you virtual hugs. Sorry you both have to go through this. Thanks for sharing.. it's one of the ways of working through your fears and concerns. How wonderful for your Mom that you're there to support her.
    Reply

  9. Oh Kelly, that must be so hard! I think the only thing you can do is support whatever decision she makes. One of the big things with cancer treatment is figuring out if it's worth it based on the quality of life the patient can expect and that's not a decision that's easily made. I hope you and your mom can find peace with whatever she decides and that she gets healthy with or without radiation!
    Reply

  10. Hi Kelly. I remember hearing you mention about your mom at the Foodbuzz brunch and I really felt for you. Two years ago my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Thankfully she's recovering now but I know how difficult it is to sit there with the person you love the most through the diagnosis and all the really, really tough decisions. My mom was absolutely against radiation when they initially recommended it. After a while and more tests, the doctors said it wasn't necessary, and now she's getting better all the time, but I remember how much it hurt when it was up in the air. I felt like you did... it feels selfish to want her to get it just so you can have her in your life longer. I always tried to realize that, well, of course my mom wants to live and stay with me, but I don't know what it feels like to be in her position. It's really brave of you to tell her you know she'll do what's right. Stay strong, and I'll be thinking of both of you! I really hope things get better no matter what she decides! She sure is lucky to have you taking care of her, and I know she knows that. :)
    Reply

    • You are amazing, Megg. Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I'm finding more and more that everyone has a cancer story. I am so glad to hear you mother is okay. It was such an honor to meet you, and I would love to keep in touch!
      Reply

  11. First of all, thanks for the comment on my blog. Second of all, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom - that must be so difficult. I've honestly never been in a situation like yours but I know it will happen sooner or later. There are no easy answers... hugs from MN.
    Reply

  12. Sorry I haven't been heading over here, or commenting lately. But now that I'm visiting, I just want to let you know how brave I think you are. And how realistic. And unselfish. Thoughts and prayers to you both.
    Reply

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