Dear woman with your girl scout daughters selling cookies (not nearly as good as these homemade healthy Samoas, FYI) outside the grocery store,
Obviously you don’t have older daughters, because you clearly don’t know how to handle teenagers. Or adults. Or customers. Or people in general.
I get it. You want your kid to win the bike. I respect that. But sending your mom squad troops to engage (or harass, depending on what the restraining order says) innocent passerby and deploying your little six year olds to hold up signs promising discounts and free trips and the ability to walk on water and fly? That’s a bit much.
And it doesn’t end there! I good-heartedly decided to patronize this establishment (because I get to be the protagonist in my own stories), and once again the little girl pointed to her sign mentioning an absolutely free life changing-ly amazing trip to Greece if I merely purchased a box of cookies. The mother (hereafter referred to as Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady then admonished her young scout daughter (hereafter referred to as Help I’m Being Raised By This Person!) for “false advertising.” (I’m totally convinced Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady was behind it.)
Here’s the juicy part. Help I’m Being Raised By This Person! points to a box of Trefoils (no, not these trefoils) and proudly exclaims they only have seven grams of sugar (these babies have way less than that, by the by), but you know what Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady does? She raises her eyebrows at me, the protagonist, and says, “Does she look like she would care about that?”
Excusez-moi? RUUUUUDE. Totally not cool, Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady.
As I saw it, these were my possible responses:
“I’m sorry, isn’t there a short pier you should be taking a long walk off?” (I even used a preposition at the end of my sentence to show my disdain.)
“Solicitation here is illegal. Show me your license or I’m calling the police.”
“I’m glad we met. It’s refreshing to encounter people that aren’t afraid to wear mom jeans.” (See how my antecedent didn’t agree with my subject? Ooh. I’m bad.)
*Opens box and takes bite of cookie* “Hmm, this tastes-” *faints dramatically, wakes up later, and calls health office*
“On second thought, I’ll take the Savannah Smiles. Thanks. Have a great weekend!”
I wouldn’t actually do anything to hurt a fellow Girl Scout (yes, I was a Brownie for twenty minutes in first grade I have the beaded socks I made to prove it!). Actually, I don’t want to do anything to hurt anyone. Why would I ever spread something negative? Although I didn’t feel the need to retaliate (I rarely do; I’m simply not that person) against Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady’s blatant rudeness, that didn’t mean her comment was any less uncalled for.
So you know what? I’m going to take it as an omen to make my Samoas at home and move on with my life. I don’t think she meant to be offensive, and it’s not my problem that Tiger Mom Dream Crusher Scout Lady doesn’t know how to deal with people. I wish her luck and a happy life. Heaven help her when Help I’m Being Raised By This Person! grows up to be a teenager. Moral of the story?
Smile. Eat cookies. But not just any cookies… these homemade healthy Samoas. They’re the best. Just like you.
Dedicated to dear Michelle of Eat Move Balance. She’s a fellow Samoa enthusiast, a math whiz, an epicure, and a lovely person I am so lucky to have “met”. Thank you Michelle, and I hope you like the cookies!
- ¾ cup white whole wheat flour OR almond meal
- ½ banana, mashed
- 2 Tablespoons coconut oil (For a lower fat version, please see below.)
- 3 Tablespoon erythritol OR cane sugar
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- ¼ teaspoon salt
- ¼ cup erythritol OR cane sugar
- 6 Tablespoons unsweetened shredded coconut (I used reduced fat.)
- 2 Tablespoons almond milk
- 2 Tablespoons chocolate chip
- 2 Tablespoons almond milk
- (For a paleo/sugar free version, use Homemade Healthy Chocolate instead.)
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees Fahrenheit. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper or a silicone mat and set aside
- Place the coconut oil in a large bowl and microwave for one minute, or until melted. (You can do this without a microwave by melting the coconut oil on the stovetop and then transferring it to the bowl.) Add in the eythritol or sugar, mashed banana, and vanilla extract until incorporated. Stir in the flour and salt until completely combined, but do not over mix.
- Roll the dough into 1½-inch balls, flatten into cookie shapes, and place evenly apart on the prepared baking sheet. Using a small cookie cutter or the large end of a piping tip, cut the center out of the cookie. Bake at 325 degrees for about 12 minutes, or until firm and golden. Let cool on a wire.
- Meanwhile, in a medium skillet, cook the erythritol over medium low heat until completely melted, stirring constantly as it burns very easily. Once melted, add in the shredded coconut and continue to cook and stir until golden. Stir in the almond milk until completely incorporated (it will sizzle- that’s good!).
- Working quickly, spread the coconut caramel mixture in an even layer on the cooled cookies (a butter knife works well for this). As the mixture cools, it will become less pliable and easy to work with (but definitely less hot, see note below). Let the cookies cool once again.
- In a small microwave-safe bowl, microwave the chocolate chips and 2 Tablespoons of almond milk. Cook for 1 minute and stir until completely distributed and thickened. Feel free to add a little almond milk if you feel the mixture is too thick. (Note: You can double or triple the chocolate coating if you want to dip the bottom of the cookies with chocolate as well.) Drizzle the chocolate mixture onto the cookies and let them cool before eating/storing. These will keep in an airtight container (come sort of Tupperware is ideal) in the fridge for about 2 weeks, or in the freezer for about 2 months. Good luck keeping them around that long.
I love using white whole wheat flour, but I imagine any kind of wheat flour will work. For a low carb/paleo version, use almond meal or almond flour.
Feel free to use erythritol, xylitol, cane sugar, sucanant, brown sugar... go for it. It's your sweetener, your rules. I haven't tried them all, but I'm 99.7% sure they all will work.
I made a modest amount of chocolate topping for this recipe to keep the calories down, but you are welcome to double (or even triple) the chocolate topping component if you want to dip the bottoms of the cookies in chocolate like regular Samoas.
For a paleo version, use almond meal, erythritol, and Homemade Healthy Chocolate (link above) instead of the chocolate topping.
I calculated the nutritional information with erythritol, all banana, white whole wheat flour, and reduced fat unsweetened shredded coconut.
Were you a Girl Scout? Did you eat too many cookies? Is use of the past tense incorrect?
Yes I was a girl scout. Yes I ate too many cookies. Yes the past tense is incorrect.